The Five Most Badass Weddings

First, I'd like to apologize for my last post. I promise not to blog drunk anymore. I was in a rough spot, I didn't have a lot of options. Actually it just seemed like a good idea at the time. But we're past that now, right? We all learned something from it, and we can move on.

Now, I work at a private golf club in the banquet hall, setting up and serving at parties, weddings, fancy dinners and the like. During the summer months I work at least one wedding a week, and sometimes two, and to be honest, they all blend together. The food, the speeches, the music, its all the same at pretty much every wedding. And so I have vowed that if I ever get married (please God, no) it will be in some awesome, badass way that nobody has ever done before. To get ideas for this, I've found the five most badass weddings.

5. Skydiving Wedding

What's more dangerous than signing your whole life away to some bitch? Doing it while plummeting towards the ground with nothing but a cloth bag strapped to your back, that's what. If completely changing the rest of your life isn't quite extreme enough for you, than this wedding is for you. Your vows are read as you jump out of a plane towards the ground, and the next time you feel sweet earth underneath you, you'll be married to the love of your life. No matter how many pieces you're in.

4. Biker Wedding

Biker rallies and weddings actually have a lot in common. Loud music, drunken bearded men dressed in ill-fitting outfits, and tons of broken glass. So why not combine the two? Nothing says badass like walking done the aisle in a leather wedding dress. And the groomsmen could wear assless chaps. Or something. Actually, this is starting to sound like a Village People Video.

3. The Vegas Wedding

A wedding in Las Vegas is the perfect symbol. Marriage is a huge gamble, so why not incorporate that gamble into that special day? Not to mention, with a Vegas wedding you've got options. Elvis theme, Star Trek theme, you name it, they've got it. Plus, you can have the reception at a strip club. Now that's romance!

2. Metal Wedding

Look, those drunk fuckers pretty much trash the reception anyways, they may as well do it in style, right? This is pretty similar to the biker wedding, except less leather and vibrating seats, and more beer and guitars. No simple wedding band will do for this, you've got to call in some bar band whose van has a pair of tits painted on the side. Instead of a first dance, you and that special someone can share a first mosh, and pour beer down each other's mouths instead of cake.

1. Nude Wedding

Marriage in the nude. I know what you're thinking, what's badass about that? Well, look at it this way. When you two are asked if you will spend the rest of your long lives with each other, and only each other, everything's on the table. All of the sudden that tiny penis isn't going to look like something she can just deal with like she has been, and those less than average sized tits just won't seem like enough. Oh, and keeping your eyes off the Maid of Honor's Ds is probably going to be pretty tough too. If you can pull off a nude wedding, than you know your woman is with you through it all.

In conclusion, I believe you should make your wedding special, because it's probably the happiest day of your married life. And you're probably better off without the whole marriage thing, but that's coming from a 17 year old kid with a fear of commitment, so take it with a grain of salt.