Text Message Body Language

Have you ever noticed that text messages have a sort of body language? That's not really the right word for it, since a text message doesn't have a body, but what I'm getting at is that you can tell a girl's mood or feelings just by the punctuation or spelling in the text. Here's a few examples:

1. Lack of Punctuation: You can tell that a girl is happy or excited if there is no punctuation in the text. No periods, question marks, apostrophes, etc. To an avid texter, these things act like weights, holding your text from reaching its destination as soon as possible. These are, believe it or not, the best kinds of texts. If a girl is excited and wants to talk to you, she doesn't want to waste time hammering on the one key six times, missing the period and hammering on it again just to get to the fucking period.

2. Poor Spelling: If your text partner is typing things like "hay budy watr tp", then my friend, you have a drunk texter on your hands. A severely intoxicated woman has enough trouble speaking clearly, let alone hammering on those tiny keys while they're humping your best friend. Now, if they aren't humping your best friend, then this is the perfect time to seduce them. So remember: Poor spelling = Drunk = Easy fuck.

3. Proper Use of Punctuation: This is a serious text. Remember the weight thing we mentioned earlier? Well, this time your text buddy is using these weights just to show how heavy this text is. If a girl is typing in complete sentences, using apostrophes and commas, you better pull over pal, because you are in for it.

4. Exclamation Points: Remember that last bit about punctuation? Well, if you see an exclamation point in that text, you can throw that all out the window buddy! An exclamation point is a one way ticket to boob town my friend. Let me break this down for you. An exclamation point looks like what now? That's right, a penis. So by using exclamation points in a text, a woman is basically saying to you, "See, I like dicks, now get over here and whip it out!" But, if a man uses an exclamation point in a text, then he is definitely gay.

5. ...: No, I'm not trying to make a fancy new emoticon, I'm talking about ... Like, in a text it would be used as such: "Oh ok..." Do you see that? Those dots at the end? That is the A-bomb of the text message world. If you see dotdotdot, then you are totally fucked. Dotdotdot is the skinhead in the corner catching you hitting on his girlfriend. Dotdotdot is the car about to run over your cat Buster. Dotdotdot is the dull razor as it cuts your sack the night of the hot date with Kelly. If a girl sends a text ending in dotdotdot then I am sorry, but you are in for it. At the sight of dotdotdot, immediately begin kissing ass and apologizing.

So with this helpful guide I've made up, I hope I can save some confusion in those moments when the meaning of the text just isn't quite clear enough. Never again will you be dumped for responding "LOL!" to "My grandma just died..." Just remember these five tips to text message body language and you'll be A-ok.