Malls: Fuck 'em.

How hard is it to shop at the mall? It shouldn't be hard at all. Well, for people like me, who are crazy, it's a nearly impossible task. One I must face every time I need a new belt or pair of shorts.

First off, who do you go to the mall with? There are basically two options here: Go with a woman, or go alone. But you know you can't go alone. No man can shop alone at the mall, you just feel way to weird. I mean, when I'm in a store alone, the entire time I'm in there I feel like the employees are just judging me. "Oh, he came to the mall alone, what a freak" "Look what he's buying, that won't look good on him" "This guy must be gay, look at all those pants he's buying." It goes on and on. Now, they may or may not be actually thinking this, but I just feel like they are. I really shouldn't care, it's not like I know these people, but I do care and so I cannot go alone.

But then I go with a woman. Sure, people don't judge me. They think I'm with my girlfriend, she's making me buy all those pants or that stupid looking shirt. It's no longer my fault, the burden has been passed onto whatever girl I'm with. Except now she's judging me. And being vocal about it. "No, no, not that shirt, you should get this one, its so cute!" "These pants are much nicer, buy these ones!"

See, the thing is, this problem only applies to malls. If there was an American Eagle or a PacSun or whatever not inside a mall, I could march right in there and buy anything I wanted, no problem. But you put that store inside a giant building filled with screaming kids and preteen girls and I'm fucked. I can't go in there alone. Maybe it's the cheap tile patterns that scare me, or the fake plants, but malls are no place for a man to go alone.

Not to mention my problem with commitment. It makes it nearly impossible to shop in a mall. Why, you ask? Well, I'll walk into one store and find a shirt that I love. I want to buy it, but then I think, wait, I haven't even been to this store yet, what if they have a better shirt for cheaper? And so I will wander into every store in the mall I like, finding the best shirt I can, like I'm on some sort of fashion related scavenger hunt. This problem means that the five minute task of picking out a shirt is stretched out to about forty-five minutes, all because I can't commit to a shirt. So all I have to say is: Malls: Fuck 'em.

Emergency Alerts

Yeah yeah yeah, I haven't published anything in a while, get off me. I'm working on it. You know what pisses me off? The EAS. That's Emergency Alert System for you uneducated folks out there. I understand it's an important feature to have, it's really quite helpful and I appreciate the effort.

But the EAS is like the almost popular kid at school, the one that everyone sort of likes and every once in a while he says something funny, but then he takes it too far, or runs the joke into the ground and everyone ends up hating it. See, what the EAS does, is it interrupts whatever you're watching on TV with the most ear-splitting, annoying beep you ever heard, that lasts for about fifteen seconds. I don't understand why they need this. The reason they have it is to get your attention. But, since it only comes on in the middle of Scrubs and The Office, I'm obviously already raptly paying attention. All the beep does is cover up my angry curses as they interrupt my favorite shows. They should switch it to some great theme song, that wouldn't be quite as disappointing I guess.

And the fucking thing is so bright. When it comes on the TV, the EAS is always this bright, glaring yellow that just hurts the eyes. All it says is "EAS Warning" or something, it doesn't even have useful information there. They should toss up a video of the crazy weather going on out there. Actually, they should show a picture of some hot woman. Although I suppose the women wouldn't really care much for that. But anything has to be better than that bright yellow.

But my main issue is that they are so damn long. Seriously. I understand, they want to warn us about the weather. That part is fine and dandy. But then they have to tell me what to do. Seriously folks, this isn't my first rodeo. This is Minnesota, it's not like we've never had a tornado before. They should come on, say "Hey, there's a tornado, duck" and be off. I don't need to know to go to my basement and start praying. Just gimme the news and let my watch my shows. None of this beating around the bush anymore.

So whoever is in charge of the EAS, take notes. Get rid of the beep, hot woman, no instructions. Make it happen. We're counting on you.